THE STEEL BRASSIERE
by
Iris Sheila G. Crisostomo
AT
first I thought I was hearing the wind whistling through
the
termite-infested wall of Tiya Anding's house. Wind on a hot summer
afternoon?
Dismissing the noise as coming from rats slipping through hidden
holes
and crevices in the old house, I rummaged through the remaining boxes for
things
worth keeping.
My
visit to Tiya Anding's house on J.P. Rizal Street was
prompted
by a public notice from the city engineer's office that the property
was
scheduled for demolition to give way to the construction of an annex
building
for the town's health clinic.
Tiya
Anding was a friend who had no living relatives. When
she
died, her house and the 300-square-meter lot reverted to the government.
With
the impending demolition, I had hastily driven to that humble abode hoping
to
save a few memories of a past life.
One
of the queerest things I recovered from the pile of old
clothes
was an old bra. It wasn't fit for any young lady's breasts because it
was
made not of soft cotton or lace but of cold and hard metal. A steel bra.
What
was it doing in Tiya Anding's box? I thought to myself.
For
several nights, my thoughts were on the brassiere. Two
cones
of stainless steel with straps made of hammered wire. I tried it in front
of
the elongated mirror in the bedroom after I made sure the door was locked
and
the children had retired to their beds. I knew Lindoln wouldn't be home
until
midnight.
I
laughed when I saw myself with the bra covering my
breasts.
I looked like a character from a Mad Max movie. The bra looked like
pointed
armor ready to deflect an ax or a lance from the enemy--a sure
protection
for the delicate female flesh underneath. I remembered Madonna in
her
skimpy get-ups, net stockings and all, her tits in similar, pointed cones.
After
a while, the cold of the metal against my skin
produced
a strange eerie feeling. The bra properly belonged to an ancient
warrior-princess
yet I felt I was too weak to fight my own battles.
"YOU'VE
been to the old house again," my husband's
voice
boomed from the bathroom. He had just finished shaving. I said nothing as
I
handed him the towel like I always do each morning. "I called the house
at
3 o'clock and the maids said you went out," he continued while wiping
his
chin dry.
"I
was at the house all afternoon," I replied,
seeing
no reason to withhold the truth. "The house will go down next week.
I
just took home some things."
I
thought I saw a smirk on his face when he remarked,
"It's
about time they do something about that house. It's rotting,
anyway."
I wanted to walk out of the room in protest but didn't. I was too
kind--too
foolishly kind.
Sunlight
was streaming in through the open window. The
curtains
lifted in the breeze. It would have been a beautiful day if not for
the
conversation.
AFTER
breakfast, I asked him for money because I would be
taking
little Gina and Jonathan to the park that afternoon. He took out P500
then
changed his mind and gave me P300 instead. I whispered "Thank
you"
loud enough for him to hear but my hand was crushing the bills inside
my
pocket.
I
had been married to Lindoln for eight years but it felt
like
I'd been living with a stranger. He was the champion debater in my class
and
he won me over an argument why two people needed each other to live:
"A
man needs a woman to take care of his needs and the woman needs a man
to
support her." Later I wondered about the role of love which was
supposed
to be the reason why two people share their lives.
Lindoln
was a good provider, the sales manager of a
pharmaceutical
company that paid well. He gave me a big house with a lush
garden,
a dutiful maid and an excellent cook. There was nothing more to ask but
I
felt I really had nothing.
"Stay
home. It's best for you and our children,"
he
told me after I gave birth to Jonathan. He thought he was relieving me of
the
trouble of working outside the home but he was really closing a door and
locking
me in.
I
took the children to the park to see the great fountain
that
squirted water 50 meters high. With each squirt came sounds of innocent
wonder
as little heads looked up the sky, following the burst of crystal liquid
that
disappeared for a moment then fell back with a great splashing sound.
There
were shrieks of glee and the patter of little feet running to get nearer
for
a closer look each time the fountain squirted water once more.
"Mama,
the fountain!" cried eight-year-old
Jonathan.
He was holding his sister Gina by the hand and leading her to the
edge
of the fountain.
"Take
care not to get wet," I called out. He
nodded.
I could see him smiling in the distance. He had his father's winsome
smile.
I finished my ice cream, my second helping.
Later
in the afternoon, we wandered through the playground
and
spent time pushing one another on the swing. Twin metal chains fastened the
swing
to a horizontal steel bar and once again the feel of the cold steel
between
my fingers made me think of Tiya Anding's breast armor.
As
the swing swayed back and forth, I closed my eyes and my
hand
went over my chest, remembering how the hard metal felt against my flesh.
The
wind was brushing against my face with every swing and I felt like a
warrior
riding with the wind, charging towards the enemy. Then I felt a drop of
liquid
on my cheek. Was it a tear? Was I crying?
As
I felt more drops, I realized a drizzle was starting. I
called
out to the children and we ran to the parking lot but it was a long way
getting
there. I stepped on mud and slipped on the pavement made slippery by
the
rain. Jonathan came back to help me but I was already up and laughing at my
own
clumsiness.
The
rain was now falling harder and I was dripping wet.
Trotting
to the car with the children, I found myself in a playful mood,
enjoining
them to guess which key will open the car door. There were about
twenty
keys in the chain and it took me several minutes before I finally opened
the
door.
By
that time, we were soaked to our skins. Jonathan made
faces
as he pulled at his baggy pants heavy with rain. Gina was laughing as she
changed
into an old T-shirt she found in the car. It turned out to be a clean
rag
but she didn't mind. She was just glad to be out of her wet clothes. I knew
it
was foolish to play in the rain but I felt no remorse.
As
expected, the children came down with a cold and Lindoln
kept
me up all night with his how-to-be-a-good-mother lectures.
"Haven't
you any sense at all?" he asked, slamming
the
closet door with a loud thud. "No mother in her right mind would
permit
her children to play in the rain. And what's worse, they did not even
ask
to do it. You actually invited them to play. So what do you call
that?"
"I'm
sorry," I replied flatly. "'Something
just
got into me. It will never happen again."
"Unbelievable.
The kids get into more trouble when
they're
with you," he barked then crept into bed with his back turned to
me.
I lay awake for what seemed like an hour before I heard a faint snore. Then
I
went to the balcony for some air. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I
wanted
to laugh if it would help. For the first time, I felt nothing. Lindoln's
words
which used to bother me into sleepless nights didn't mean anything
anymore.
I looked up the sky but saw no stars. I felt no fear. I felt I could
do
anything and still remain unfeeling.
Then
I remembered Tiya Anding. We used to walk together
along
stretches of empty streets with nothing but towering lamp posts above us
craning
their necks as if eager to listen. She would tell me about her husband,
Tata
Fernan, who used to berate her about her smoking. Tata Fernan hated her
smoking.
But Tiya Anding brushed aside all his words aside calling him a coward
because
he feared for her life.
"That
old man just cannot live without me;" she
said
with a smirk on her face.
"And
you?" I asked.
"You
can say the feeling is mutual. We go a long way
back.
Had lots of fun together. He was never a bore. So how is Lindoln?"
Tiya
Anding always had a way of shifting our conversation to my husband. She
remembered
Lindoln whenever she spoke about Tata Fernan.
"Always
too busy," I answered.
"If
that man could just slow down a bit, he wouldn't be
missing
out on things." Tiya Anding said, making a round billow of smoke
in
the air.
I
WATCHED as the demolition team tore the house down, clouds
of
dust and dirt went flying everywhere. I thought of Tiya Anding's similar
emissions
as a heavy smoker. I watched as wooden planks were pried from the
walls
and the old, rusty roofing pulled down. Doorposts fell like giant
toothpicks
against the heavy arm of moving machines. Besides myself, children
from
nearby shanties were standing by, watching the men operate their giant
toys
with ease.
When
the entire structure finally torn down, I felt like I
had
lost a part of myself--an arm maimed or broken off in an injury. With a
heavy
heart, I headed back to the house thinking about Tiya Anding and her
words:
"That old man just can't live without me." Can I say the same
about
Lindoln? And can I live without him?
After
lunch, I helped the maid get the laundry from the
clothesline.
After a few minutes under the hot midday sun, I went back inside
to
the kitchen for a cold glass of water. The feel of the cold pitcher in my
hand
made me think of the cold metal I once wore against my breast. The feel of
the
steel brassiere was as comforting and reassuring as the ice water running
down
my throat.
The
sound of the ringing phone brought me back to my senses.
It
was Lindoln.
"Hey,
Pareng Jimmy will be coming over for dinner
tonight.
Can you prepare his favorite rellenong bangus?"
"What?"
I asked, still holding the cold glass in
hand.
"I
said Pareng Jimmy will come for dinner
tonight..."
"Call
again. The line is bad. I can't quite hear
you."
I put the phone down and leisurely walked to the bedroom.
And
the phone rang again and again and again.
Sunlight
was streaming in through the open window. The
curtains
lifted in the breeze. It would have been a beautiful day if not for
the
incessant ringing of the phone.